Review: Grand Theft Auto IV

Well, no, I don't own either a PlayStation 3 or an Xbox 360. No, I haven't technically "played" the game, as such. But since when has the internet frowned upon someone taking a stand on an issue they know absolutely nothing about?

Really, to be honest, I'm just jealous. It seems like everyone else in the world has been giving GTAIV perfect or near-perfect scores, so I just didn't want to be left out. (Also, I've decided that I'm going to refer to the game as though the acronym was a word. So, whenever you see "GTAIV" in print from now on, here or elsewhere, please vocalize it as "guh-tave". Thanks!)

So, on to the review. Well, gtaiv is... ummm... a massive, open-world sandbox title that takes the... uh.... open-world sandbox experience to a new level. The main character is Niko Bellic, an Eastern European tough who comes to America (possibly North America) to chase the American Dream (possibly the North American Dream*, but there's a chance it could, in fact, be either the South American Dream** or the Central American Dream***), only to find that his arsehole brother (or cousin, whatever) lied to him. Niko gets caught up in a whirlwind of stealing cars and murdering hookers, while occasionally doing some missions before getting bored, entering a God code and standing in the middle of an intersection slaughtering thousands of civilians, police and soldiers.

There's some sort of online mode, but whatever, I don't care about that.

Some people aren't happy unless you give a game a numerical score, so here's one.

Final score: 10.

Well, that was fun. I guess I'll become a professional game reviewer now. Maybe next time I'll review a game I've actually played.

I just today downloaded a drawing program that lets me sketch on the computer (as you can no doubt tell from the leading graphic above). Whee! Fun!

Oh, speaking of professional game reviewers, there's a lucky sod named Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw who creates a series called "Zero Punctuation" over at The Escapist. It is, without a doubt, the funniest series of game reviews on the internet. I can't recommend them highly enough. Set aside a long afternoon and watch them all.

I've slashed most of the chaff from the links section in the sidebar. Katherine, Johnathan, Jillian, Dana: you have all failed and have been banished. I feel bad for your poor, orphaned websites, as you callously flit off to Facebook with the rest of the sheep. I honestly can't think of anything sadder than a blog that hasn't been updated in six months, and the most recent post is something pitifully self-effacing like, "I bet nobody checks this anymore." (I check it. Well, I used to.)

I also got my Economic Stimulus Payment cheque. I didn't think I would, on account of me not being an American, but I pay my taxes, so apparently I was eligible. Thanks, Dubya! Now get the fuck out of that office and let Obama lead us into the recession you set the world up for, you stupid fucking TWAT.

A-hem.

Jessica and Vincent are currently visiting. I'll put up some pictures of the madness we get up to whenever any two of the Hunt children gather in one place. When there's three of us, we sort of reach critical mass, and sparks start hopping about. All four of us haven't been in the same place together since Dad and Liz's wedding, for fear of causing a singularity and destroying time.

Oh, and Iron Man was absolutely brilliant.

Now fuck off.

Love, Adam
Hold still, you little prick!

* To spend one's $300 Economic Stimulus Payment on crack cocaine.
** To, someday, stop being raped by North America.
*** To finally be declared the Eighth Continent.